


Should've Known Better

by nirejseki, robininthelabyrinth (nirejseki)



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Asexual Mick Rory, ColdWestAllen Week, Fluff and Crack, Multi, No Sex, Sexual Roleplay, Time Travel, but they're all consensual roleplays, not even really sexual, some of the scenarios involve dubious consent, who is nevertheless overly involved in his friends' love life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-18 03:52:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14845184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nirejseki/pseuds/nirejseki, https://archiveofourown.org/users/nirejseki/pseuds/robininthelabyrinth
Summary: Seven sexy roleplay ideas that Barry, Len, and Iris came up with together...that were not good ideas.Really, their lives would be so much easier if they weren't all such sticklers for accuracy.(for coldwestallen week 2018)





	1. Day 1: Historical - In Which Barry Objects

**Author's Note:**

> ColdWestAllen Week, Changing Channels Edition, Day 1: Historical
> 
> "In Which Barry Objects"

"You know," Barry says. "I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this one. I'm - you know what, I'm being objectified."

"You are _not_ , you big baby," Iris says. "You're just getting cold feet. Besides, if anyone is being objectified, Len is. I mean, look at what he's wearing."

"He's wearing at least three layers, one of which is fur," Barry objects. "He's hardly wearing anything skimpy and sexy and body-paint and...I was saying something. What was I saying?"

"That our next roleplay should involve barbarian natives and possibly body-paint?"

"Mmm. I can just see you and Len in tribal paint, capturing poor innocent me and bringing me back to be sacrificed."

"Oh yes, with our sexy but utterly ahistorical heathen ways," Iris says, laughing. "You resist, thinking that we're going to kill you, but in reality we just need you to be our third in a fertility ritual."

"What's this about a fertility ritual?" Len asks, coming up to them. He's way too sneaky; Barry yelps and tries to hop up, hitting his knees on the table which is in the way. Len ignores his pitiful moaning because he's cruel. And also knows about Barry's super-healing. "Just tell me you haven't been talking to the market vendors outside; they're vicious."

"No, just making future plans. Possibly involving ancient Ireland, an isolated forest grove, and a very inaccurate Hollywood-style depiction of Druids."

"Speaking of ancient places," Barry says, "I want to put it out there that I feel objectified: you only want me for my time travel powers."

"Scarlet," Len says kindly. "Stop being an idiot. I've got time travel powers now too, remember? From the Oculus?"

"Oh. Right. Huh. Wait, then why am I always the one using them?!"

"We like it when you carry one of us in each arm," Iris says. " _Obviously_."

"She's not wrong," Len says. " _Very_ attractive. Anyway, we going to sit here all day or are we going to go mingle?"

"Mingle," Iris says firmly. "Definitely."

"Wasn't this supposed to be a _sexy_ roleplay?" Barry complains half-heartedly. "We don't need to _mingle_."

"We didn't come all the way back in time to ancient Rome to stay _indoors_ , Bar," Iris says. 

"We didn't _need_ to come back in time! Just because I said the way they wear the togas in Rome are sexy..."

"They are. Shows off your legs."

"Ugh, you're such _perfectionists_."

" _We_ really are, Mr. 'No They Wouldn't Have Had Wool Like That Yet' Allen," Iris agrees, smiling at Barry. "But seriously, mingling. How do I look?"

"Like the daughter of a rich senator, or possibly some sort of visiting foreign king," Len assures her. "In other words, ravishing."

"You're my big scary foreign bodyguard, you have to say that," she teases.

"Yeah, actually, about that, remember how we decided my backstory was one of the German tribes? We may need to change that."

"Why?" Barry says suspiciously. If the timeline gets screwed up again, everyone's going to blame _him_ , he just knows it.

"I got made," Len says.

"You got - how did you get made?! We're nearly two thousand years into the past! No one in this era knows about or believes in time travel! How could - who in the world could possibly make you?!"

"It was the Legends, wasn't it," Iris grumbles. "They're always butting in on our roleplays."

"No, no," Len assures them. "Nothing like _that_. Just recognized by another member of the tribe. Speaking of which, we're invited for Sabbath dinner tonight; and don't worry, they don't mind that you're goyim."

"I distinctly remember us agreeing that we wouldn't interact too much..."

"Live a little, Bar! That sounds fun, Len."

"Yeah, it'll be good, too," Len says proudly. "They'll break out all their best for us - they were all very happy to meet me."

Even Iris pauses at that. "Why, exactly?" she asks suspiciously.

"Not too many six-foot-plus Jews around here," Len says, smirking. "I think their neighbors are going to leave off bothering them for a while."

"You got into a punch-up," Iris says flatly.

"For a good cause, it sounds like," Barry points out, suddenly cheered. "I told you, Len -"

"If you say 'there's good in you', Scarlet, I'm going to punch you."

"Would it work better if I offered to put some good _in_ you?"

"...maybe."

"The other way around works too, you know -"

Len snorts. "Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I left Mick to clean up -"

"Mick? Why is _Mick_ here?! This is a sexy roleplay! Mick's ace, he's not invited!"

"He's just here to, quote, 'keep us from fucking up the timeline while we're fucking'," Len says, rolling his eyes. "Anyway, he's masquerading as an ex-gladiator. There's a whole backstory."

"Uuuuuuugh," Barry says. "Not him, too! What's with you guys and the need for extensive backstories and costumes and stuff when we could just be having -"

"Forum!" Iris announces. "We are going to the forum, and we're going now. Sex later, I have trauma from a third grade report that I got a B+ on because my teacher didn't believe I'd done the research to overcome first."

Barry rolls his eyes and decides to give in, standing properly this time and offering her his arm to help her get up. His role is the shy local merchant boy who bumps into the visiting princess (and her bodyguard) and shows them around town before being seduced by their wicked, wicked ways, a role he can _definitely_ work. Particularly as, for once, his backstory is pretty minimal. Admittedly, that's maybe part of the reason he's complaining: normally he gets a much more interesting backstory. "After you, Iris."

"Lead the way," Len agrees, his voice affectionate in the way it almost never is in public.

Somehow, he's easier letting down his guard when they're in a different type period; Barry's not sure why, but he appreciates it.

"Though," Barry adds, "I still think the amount of realism we insist on for these roleplays is a bit ridiculous."

"Scarlet," Len says. "Shut up and play along."


	2. Day 2: Law/Crime - In which Mick (who isn't even involved!) objects

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 2: Law/Crime - In which Mick (who isn't even involved!) objects

"Out of all the doors in the world," Len purrs, "you had to walk through mine, Miss West."

Iris looks at him through her eyelashes. "Oh, trust me, Snart," she says, her voice cold in a way her posture most assuredly wasn't. Her dress shimmered and moved in the light, the slit up her thigh positively scandalous. "If it wasn't an emergency, I wouldn't have come to you - but I know you're the best, and I need the best."

"So you haven't come by to restart our old flame? I'm hurt."

"It's just business," Iris says. "And anyway, I'm married now."

He steps up to her, putting a hand on her cheek and drawing her in closer. "Don't worry," he breathes, face inches from hers. "I don't mind."

"Maybe I do," she replies. “I love my husband."

"Yet you haven't pulled away yet..." 

She takes a half-step back just to be contrary.

Len laughs, a low, dark sound. Hungry. "You never minded before," he points out. "Even after you met the exquisitely charming Mr. Allen, you always found your way back to my bed -"

"A mistake," Iris says. "I -"

There's a knock on the door.

They both pause.

Mick sticks his head in. "Are the two of you gonna finish setting up your torrid-affair-possibly-being-reignited backstory anytime soon? I'm only going to keep Sparky kidnapped for so long, you know."

Iris sighs. "Yes, Mick, we'll be done soon. Could you go back to playing the evil henchman that we need to rescue Barry from?"

"It's not my fault you needed me to play a character," Mick objects. "I didn’t even want to be involved!”

“Yes you did,” Iris says, rolling here eyes. “You and Len are so unhealthily codependent that you have an unreasonable interest in his sex life working out right. That’s why we felt comfortable asking you to do this.”

“You bet I have a vested interest; he has terrible taste, present company excluded. Before you guys, he was thinking of dating someone from _Gotham_.”

“…right, carry on being as invasive as you like.”

“Hey,” Len protests, but it’s not a very strong protest. 

“Anyway, one of the rumrunners wants to use the place I'm keeping Barry in and I only reserved it for an evening,” Mick says. “I’m tired of all the bureaucracy involved in this; I just wanna get dramatically shot and go get drunk on illegal whiskey already like you promised me I’d be able to once the evil henchman gets defeated and you moved onto the weird psycho-sexual manipulation and seduction part of the evening."

Iris gives Len a look. 

He shrugs helplessly. 

She gives him a more pointed look.

"We'll be done soon," Len promises Mick. "You'll get your dramatic shooting over with - you _will_ guard the door for us after, right?"

"'course," Mick grunts. "You don't think this 1930s moonshine's gonna take me out, do you?"

"You know your tolerance is still recovering," Len points out, frowning. "I don't -"

Mick holds up a hand. "Just finish it up. Barry's getting bored."

"Didn't you tie him up? He likes being tied up."

"Fine, yes, okay, he’s still buzzing like an over-excited bee. _I’m_ getting bored."

"Fine, fine. We'll be there soon – we’re almost done with this bit anyway. I just need to tell Iris that I want to be paid in sexual services instead of cash, she needs to slap me, bit of heavy petting and we'll be crashing your door just in time for the revelation that I was the one who kidnapped Barry because I’ve been having an affair with him, too. Fifteen minutes tops."

"Good."

He leaves.

Len looks at Iris. "Now, where were we?"

Iris straightens up, shimmying a little to make the fringe on her flapper dress move. "I love my husband, Snart. I may have made – mistakes with you, in the past, but I love him. I married him. And right now, I need you to find him before anything bad happens to him."

"All business, are we?" Len drawls. "You've grown even colder than I'm supposed to be - Miss West."

"Mrs. Allen-West."

" _Iris_. You're the one who wants a favor from me, remember? I'm the best private investigator around, bar none, and if you want your husband back alive, I'm your best bet. But it'll cost you."

"I can pay -"

"Oh, Iris, Iris. Whoever said I wanted your _money_..?"


	3. Day 3: Paranormal - In Which Len Objects

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 3: Paranormal - In Which Len Objects

"Come with me if you want to live," Iris says, offering out her hand to Barry, who takes it. 

She leads him to a different part of the giant, yet eerily deserted house. "This is the most haunted house in America," she tells him. "If you want to find the demon that took your parents, this is the place. But even if we find him, defeating him won't be easy."

He swallows. "Thank you," he says. "I know you didn't want to take this job originally -"

"I have my own history with this demon," Iris cuts in. "He's got a reputation. I knew that you'd go with or without me, and at least if I come with you, we both have a chance to survive -"

The doorway to the room they just entered slams violently behind them, causing them both to jump. 

"He's here!" Iris hisses. "Tell me you have the packet of sage I told you to bring!"

"Yeah," Barry says, reaching into his pocket. "I brought three - that enough?"

"We'll have to hope it is," Iris says. "The demon's shadow-servant stole my pack. And with the door closed - we're on our own."

"My phone -"

"Reception doesn't work here," she says grimly. "It never does."

Barry checks. "You're right," he says. "It's not. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have run ahead. I've led us straight into his trap."

"It's okay," she says. "It's your first time going up against the paranormal like this, and this demon is an expert at illusions and temptation. He knows everything you've ever wanted. We'll have to be vigilant in resisting him."

She pauses.

Nothing happens.

Barry and Iris glance at each other.

“We have to be _very vigilant_ in resisting him,” Iris says again, her voice a little louder this time.

Still nothing.

Barry reaches over and taps on the bedroom door. "Len?"

There's a grumble.

"Len, you okay? That was your cue."

"I look dumb," Len mutters.

"No you don't," Iris objects. "You look good in anything."

"Agreed," Barry says. "You're going to be the _sexiest_ incubus sex demon."

"I'm basically wearing nothing but silk scarves and a pair of horns," Len grumbles. "I look like some sort of harem slave out of an old orientalist-fetishizing Hollywood movie."

Barry and Iris share a look.

"...that sounds pretty good to us?" Iris says. 

"Really good," Barry agrees. "Just based on the description, I would totally permit myself to be ensnared into the evil clutches of a demon like that for some serious sexytimes before convincing him to fall in love with us, breaking free, and finally rescuing said demon from hell so that he can join our anti-evil-paranormal group."

"Yeah, seriously. Sounds just right."

"I have a tail!" Len bursts out. "I don't want a tail! Tails are stupid!"

"Hey, the tail's a must! You're a _demon_!"

"Mick's costume is cooler."

"Mick is A, the shadow-servant, not the demon; B, just re-using his ninja costume, which is the only reason he agreed to do this at all; and C, not involved in this roleplay!"

"He's the villain! He's the one keeping demon-me captive so that you can ultimately rescue me from him!"

"Fine. He's not involved in the _sexy_ part of this roleplay."

"C'mon," Barry says coaxingly. "We promise that even if you don't look good, we won't laugh or anything."

A grunt.

"Please?"

"...fine."

The door opens.

"What's that?" Barry asks, looking wide-eyed at the open door, falling back into character. "Is it -"

"It's the demon," Iris says. "He's luring us in."

"Then we shouldn't go!"

"We don't have a choice," Iris says. "The shadow-servant is watching the hallway behind us, and he wields fire. The only way out is forward. We'll just have to resist whatever temptation he offers."

"Can we?"

"We have to." Iris offers Barry her hand and he takes it. 

Together they go hand-in-hand into the room, stopping dead when they see what's before them: a vision in a dozen silk scarves woven together, each a different shade of blue, two graceful horns curving up from his forehead and a thin blue tail, spiked at the end, curled around his thigh.

The demon lounged on the couch. Unlike the rest of the house, which was deserted and dusty, this room is warm and lived-in, with a carpet and a couch and a bed and even an inviting, flickering fireplace (courtesy of the shadow-servant).

"Won't you come in?" Len purrs.

"Oh, we are _definitely_ doing a harem roleplay after this," Iris squeaks. "I call first dibs on evil empress."

Barry elbows her for breaking character.

Len snorts, but relaxes, somehow looking even more seductive and demonic as he does.

"Oh, don't worry, my little paranormal hunters," he says, ignoring what Iris just says. "I'm not going to hurt you - not unless you _want_ me to..."


	4. Day 4: Food - In Which Iris Objects

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 4: Food - In Which Iris Objects

"I'm sorry," Iris says, giggling madly. "I just - I can't."

"Really?" Len asks, arching his eyebrows at her. "Not what you were saying earlier."

"I know! I'm sorry! This is just - I can't. It's too silly. I _can't_. Sorry, guys."

"How is _this_ the line you won't cross?" Barry asks, looking up at the ceiling as if it could answer his question. 

"Man has a point," Len agrees. "Time travel to a more appropriate setting is fine; costume porn, fine; breaking and entering into a haunted house for atmosphere, totally okay...but not this?"

"I just - it's food! We eat it! It's not sexy!"

"I told you we should just have planned out one with us being waiters having a kinky affair in the kitchen instead," Len says to Barry, sounding long-suffering.

"You and Iris' weird thing for kinky illicit affairs aside, you know perfectly well that Mick would kill us all if we did anything that unsanitary in his kitchen," Barry says. 

"Which is why we would pick a _different_ kitchen -"

"Literally none of our friends would agree," Iris says. "And no, we're not breaking into a kitchen."

"You and Barry's weird thing for not breaking the law aside, it would be the easiest -"

" _No_ , Len," Barry says firmly. Or as firmly as he could, given his current position. It didn't exactly lend his words much gravity. 

"Fine. Have it your way."

"I feel like I should have a 'you and Len' moment to match both of yours," Iris muses. "But nothing really comes to mind immediately."

"Well, you could always...no, you're right. It's hard to do on demand," Barry agrees. 

"No kidding."

"Listen, wordplay aside -" Len begins.

"Wordplay aside? Are you sure you're feeling okay? Do we have the wrong Len?"

"Shut up. Anyway, are we going to go forward with this or not?" Len asks. "Because Mick did put in a lot of effort into making all this sushi for us."

"Not to mention setting it up on me," Barry adds, injured. He’s splayed out on the table, which to be fair had been made much more comfortable for him to lie down on – especially now that he’s gotten more relaxed with being naked around his lovers. The rest of the room is lit up in candlelight, with soft music playing, and it’s a nice temperature that makes him feel comfortable. 

At least until Iris started laughing, anyway. 

"Oh, come on -" Iris starts.

"I’ll have you know that Mick rolled his eyes and muttered about us being weirdos the entire time, and it took nearly thirty minutes to set it all up!" Barry protests. "I think I'm entitled to at least get the rest of the roleplay played out once. Unless you have a serious objection, of course."

"No, no, no serious objections. It still seems like an interesting idea. It's just - oh, I don't know," Iris says. "It just seems so silly - oh, not _you_ , Barry, you know I always like to see you naked, but just - the _idea_ of eating some sticky undoubtedly uncomfortable food off of you -"

"Sushi," Len corrects.

"Sushi _is_ food, Len."

"It matters that it's sushi," Len says firmly. "For one thing, it means less of a mess than other types of food - I mean, can you imagine eating pasta?"

"No. Ew."

"Exactly. Anyway, second advantage of it being sushi, we get use our chopsticks all over Barry's vulnerable little body while ignoring him the whole time -"

"I do like that part," Iris admits.

"Me, too," Barry says, sounding vaguely dreamy. "That part sounds great."

"But - Barry's kinks aside - isn't it, I don't know, sticky? And not in a good way?"

"No, don't worry," Barry assures her. "It's not really that uncomfortable at all. Mick was very careful not to use any soy sauce where it might drip or stick."

“Well, he _is_ very thoughtful.”

“Long-suffering, I would say. But he _did_ work so very hard on it...”

"Besides," Len interjects. "Barry's not the only one who had to put time and effort into preparing this. There's all of my ink, too."

Both Barry and Iris go still, much like hunting dogs abruptly alerted to an interesting scent.

"Ink?" Barry says. “Like…tattoo ink?”

“You don’t have any tattoos,” Iris says. “…do you? I mean, you didn't, and we've more or less been over your entire body. Repeatedly. And at length." She'd been minorly disappointed, but not excessively so; it had let to them finding out that Len was Jewish, and honoring his mother's memory, and extracting bits of personal information from their excessively secretive lover was a victory in and of itself. "Unless, I mean, you got some since we last, uh, examined you?”

"No way," Barry says. "It'd still be swollen. It has to be fake."

"You got fake tattoos, Len? Really?"

"We-ell," Len drawls, dragging the word out. "I mean, I _am_ supposed an evil Yakuza gangster, here to negotiate the terms of Iris's total capitulation to my evil whims because I've been pursuing her ever since I fell in love with her feisty attitude, except I want her to consent and thereby lure her into bed by using her childhood sweetheart, who got involved with the wrong people and is now in my total control, as the bait, right?"

"Yes," Iris says, eyeing him. He's dressed in a very sharp suit, dark blue and black. Like most of Len's clothing, it covers him from neck to toe to wrist, leaving only his face and neck and hands bare - and there were no tattoos visible there.

"So, Yakuza are famous for their ink, right?"

"Right," Iris says, swallowing a little. "So in the interest of being accurate..."

"Exactly."

"Uh," Barry says. He also looks like he's having some trouble thinking straight. Iris sympathizes. "Out of curiosity, how much of you did you cover...?"

"It took nearly four hours to apply it all," Len says primly. Barry and Iris both stare at him hungrily. "Even though we were using just body-paint.”

“That’s a lot of time,” Barry says.

“A lot of ink,” Iris agrees.

“Oh yes. It’s very… _extensive_. What can I say? I wanted to be accurate and Mick had some spare time while he was waiting for some of the fish for the sushi to be shipped over. Sad for all that effort and detail to go to waste. But I _suppose_ if we're not doing the roleplay after all..."

"Iris," Barry says, his voice strangled. " _Please_."

"Oh, all right," she says, wiggling a little. "But in return, Len, don't you dare get rid of that paint until we've both had a chance to fully examine it."

"Deal," Len says cheerfully. "You want to go get into character?"

"I'll be right back..."


	5. Day 5: Medical - In Which They All Object

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 5: Medical - In Which They All Object

"So," Len says. “Do you think –”

"No," Iris says.

"I mean," Barry says.

" _No_ ," Mick says firmly. "I'm vetoing."

“Who gave you a veto anyway?” Barry asks, more out of curiosity than actually objecting. 

“ _I_ did,” Mick says. “You need the supervision.”

The other three consider this, then shrug, accepting it. If any third party deserved a veto over their sex lives, it was undoubtedly Mick. 

"I’m just saying,” Len says, because pushing his luck like it’s going to run out has always been his style and it’s worked out quite well for him so far, “we never did figure out how the hospital roleplay thing would work.” 

"Buy a goddamn sexy nurse outfit like everyone else does," Mick says.

"Not realistic enough," Iris says. She sounds wistful, though; she likes sexy outfits. She likes sexy outfits on her boyfriends in particular. 

Unfortunately, they’d learned through experimentation that anything that was too cheesy or cliché would send Len into an uncontrollable fit of dumb puns, Barry into an uncontrollable fit of embarrassment, and Iris into an uncontrollable fit of laughter, so the idea was right out.

At least for now.

"Buy some scrubs, then,” Mick growls. “That’ll be realistic. Ugly, but realistic.”

"They like to have a 'setting' to help get in the mood," Barry tells him.

"'They', Scarlet?"

"...okay, _we_."

"You're all infants," Mick says, throwing up his hands. 

"What we do together would be super disturbing if that were true, Mick,” Len says snidely. 

“Don’t kinkshame, Len,” Iris says mildly. “Ageplay is a thing.”

“Point taken. That doesn’t stop us from the most relevant subject: how, if at all, do we bang in a hospital? It’s not exactly my thing – docs make me queasy, you know that – but you’ve got to admit it’s traditional.”

“True. We should at least give it a shot.”

Len opens his mouth.

“If you make a joke about _getting_ shot, I will get out of this bed and kick you,” Iris says. 

Len closes his mouth.

“We’re getting off subject again,” Barry says. “Let’s go back to talking about sex.”

"Why am I always here when you have these conversations?" Mick complains.

"Because you live with us?" Barry suggests. 

Technically, Len and Mick lived upstairs and Barry and Iris downstairs, but realistically that mostly meant that Mick had the upstairs to himself.

He also claimed the downstairs kitchen as his own private domain, the land-grabber, but no one contested his claim for fear of losing access to all the delicious foods he's always making for them.

"Well, yeah,” Mick concedes. “But why am I always _involved_ in these conversations?"

"Because you don't trust us to do these roleplays by ourselves?"

"Yeah, because you're _infants_ , and also you’d probably find a way to trigger an apocalypse if you were left alone. But that doesn’t matter; I'm putting my foot down about this one: no hospital roleplays. Certainly not _now_."

"But -"

"I'm with Mick," Iris says with a sigh. "It doesn't seem entirely appropriate. Anyway, none of us are ready to go on this one even if we did decide to do it - no one's even brushed up on medical terms -"

"Fair enough," Len says. "Besides, even if Barry goes and reads up quick, I'm not entirely sure I could participate fully today."

"No shit," Mick says. "Because you're still _actually injured_ , you maniac."

"Wait," Iris says. "He _is_? I thought I was the only one who got hit in the explosion! Have the nurses looked at him yet?"

"No, because it's minor!"

"No, because he's refusing treatment," Mick says, selling Len out gleefully.

"Len!"

"I'm basically fine -"

"I've changed my mind," Iris says. "We're going to roleplay 'Barry and Mick tie Len down to a hospital bed and force him to receive medical assistance'."

"Save that for the horror-video-game asylum roleplay," Len says.

" _Leonard Jacob Snart_."

"Fine, fine..."

He clambers into the bed next to Iris', his face clearly conveying that it is under protest.

"I'm gonna go get a doc," Mick says. "Don't start any sex games while I'm gone. Remember: I _know_ you. I will figure out what you’re up to, even if no one else does. I so much as come in here and hear a different backstory for anyone – excluding the one Len’s using as a cover identity – you’re all in big trouble."

He leaves.

"Still say we’re wasting a perfectly good opportunity," Len says. “Given how rarely we get to be in a real hospital.”

"Yeah, yeah, suck it up," Iris says.

"I was _trying_ to, but -"

"But you're _injured_ ," Barry says. His voice is suspiciously unsteady, for all that he was the only one fully intact out of the four of them – even Mick had a bandage around his arm where a piece of shrapnel had scraped him. "Both of you. You're not supposed to get injured. I'm supposed to save you."

"You do a very good job saving us every week," Iris assures him. "You couldn't have anticipated multiple bombs in various parts of the city."

"And a few scrapes aside, we're _fine_ ," Len says warningly. "No time traveling to fix it, you hear me? You saved just about everyone, there were no casualties, it's _fine_."

"Agreed," Iris says. "No time travel. Fine is acceptable, you don't need to strive for perfect."

"But -"

" _Veto_ , Barry, or I'm kicking you out of the hospital."

Barry, whose injuries have all already healed and thus lacks any reason to be in the hospital other than as a guest, subsides with a grumble.

"I could steal us a hospital bed," Len says after a few minutes. "If we wanted."

"We're not stealing it for a roleplay, Len."

"No, no - we could use it as an actual medical cot for the next time I get injured and don't want to go to the hospital. Or to STAR Labs."

"...Len."

"Hey, I'm volunteering to bring my injuries home next time. That's progress!"

"I guess it is. You know we don't like thinking of you in pain."

"That's probably why these hospital roleplay ideas have never really gotten off the ground," Iris says wisely.

"Maybe we _should_ just get a set of scrubs and play sexy nurse..."

"I dunno," Iris says. "I kinda liked the sound of that evil asylum thing. What do you think, would I look good in a nice straitjacket?"

"No, no," Len says. "You're the evil but sexy nurse, obviously. Barry and I are the ones trapped in your clutches. Possibly forced to put on performances for your pleasure."

“Hmm. I like that. Do I get a sexy evil nurse uniform? With a high slit up the side?”

Barry whimpers.

“That’s a yes,” Len says. “Barry here always appreciates the slit. As do I.”

“Definite yes, then,” Iris says, pleased. “Oh, I could probably get some creepy-looking toys to use on you –”

“Guyyyyyys,” Barry pleads. “As the only non-injured one here, can I request we table this discussion until we’re able to play? All of us?”

“I don’t know,” Iris says consideringly. “I rather like the idea of leaving you with those lovely mental images, keeping you in suspense…”

“Forced to wait upon our pleasure,” Len adds thoughtfully. “Punishment, one might call it.”

“Good incentive for not letting us get injured next time, I’d call it,” Iris agrees.

“Please, you’re killing me here!”

“Damnit, I said no roleplay!” Mick roars as he walks back in, followed closely by an intimidated-looking doctor and nurse. 

“We weren’t!” Barry exclaims. “Really!”

“Yeah, right. Goddamn impatient _infants_!”


	6. Day 6: Superheroes - In Which No One Objects (But They Still Can't Make It Work)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 6: Superheroes - In Which No One Objects (But They Still Can't Make It Work)

"We could do one where we're in opposite world," Barry says eagerly. "Iris and I are evil villains-slash-anti-heroes, and Len's a good guy -"

"Makes me think of Leo," Iris says ruefully. "And Nazis, ick. Total boner-killer."

"Yeah, good point..."

"Maybe one where we're _all_ evil?" she suggests, eyes brightening. "I'm thinking lots of black leather, maybe straps, high heels all around..."

"Don't forget the backstabbing, bureaucracy and boredom," Len says with a scowl. "Take it from someone who knows: supervillain organizations are nothing but trouble. Don't get me started on the Legion of Doom _alone_..."

"Ugh. Point."

"Maybe if we were, like, successful?" Barry suggests. "You know, maybe post-world conquest villains?"

"Doomworld sucked," Mick grunts from the kitchen.

All three of them make identical faces of 'no'. 

"Right. Definitely no Doomworld," Len says. "Maybe, uh..."

"We could all be heroes?" Barry suggests hopefully. "Hero team-up?"

"And how do your normal team-ups with other heroes go, exactly?"

"Uh," Barry says. "Well, Oliver Queen -"

"Yes, _please_ ," Iris says.

"No," Len says firmly. "Veto."

"...good to know. He shot me with arrows once, and the other times it's mostly been...well...they mostly involve a world-ending disaster and getting a nice manly platonic beer..."

"No."

Iris sighs.

"What about Kara?"

"Almost _invariably_ involving a disaster..."

"I don't think we could really fit in a good sexytimes in that, unfortunately," Iris says mournfully. "Come on, this is, like, the absolute basics! Superheroes are _literally_ our lives! We all listed it on our Want To Roleplay This list - even Mick said he'd be happy to help with this one! We've got to think of something!"

"Think that being actual superheroes-slash-supervillains has taken some of the shine off," Len says. 

"Maybe if we pretended to be a _different_ superhero-supervillain set..?"

"Like who? _Gotham_?"

"Definitely not," they all chorus.

"Uuuugh," Iris says, putting her head in her hands. "This shouldn't be this hard!"

"You're thinking about it the wrong way," Mick says, balancing the plates with their dinner on his arm as he makes his way into the living room. He dishes them out. "You're limiting yourself by focusing on superheroes and villains."

"What do you mean?"

"Rotate _all_ the roles. Make Len the intrepid reporter," Mick says practically. "Iris the hero, Barry the villain."

"Ooh," Iris says. "Barry and I as old childhood friends, sweethearts, but then we fell out over our values as Barry went evil -"

"And then we both fall in love with Len -" Barry adds.

"You start competing for my attention -" Len adds.

"We could also do a variation where Barry and I are both villains while Len's a civilian -"

“Len’s probably not good at being a civilian, though.”

“…true. Maybe Barry as the civilian?”

“How is that different from the current status quo when he’s not in costume?”

“Well, Iris is evil…”

“It’s a start,” Iris says firmly. “A good start. We might even get somewhere.”

"So glad to help," Mick says. "Now shut up and eat the dinner I made you."

"Thanks, Mick."

"Yeah, thanks! This is great!"

"You're the best," Iris says. "And thanks for rescuing us from our own narrow-mindedness; we would've been going in endless circles without you."

"Well, someone needs to keep you guys out of trouble," Mick says, but he sounds pleased. "Just keep me out of the sex and romance parts of it."

"Do you know," Barry says, already halfway into his dinner, "I think Joe still thinks Mick and Len are dating?"

"He _does_?" Iris asks skeptically. "But we're so - _obvious_!"

"It's 'cause Len and Mick are married," Barry says wisely.

"Well, I can't marry you two," Len points out. "You're already married to each other and you only get one. And this way me and Mick don't have to testify against each other." 

"Not to mention it lets Len do our taxes," Mick agrees. 

"Well, Joe thinks that we're just neighbors," Barry says. "Len and Mick upstairs, us downstairs -"

"Is he _blind_? Half my stuff is down here!"

"Hey, it keeps him from shooting you. I'm taking it as a win..."

"Still, Bar, shouldn't we tell him eventually..?"

"I'm okay being a dirty little secret," Len says hastily. "Really."

"Can we get back to talking about your sex life already?" Mick says, long-suffering. "At least there I can offer advice."


	7. Day 7: Space - "In Which Everyone Else Objects"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 7: Space - "In Which Everyone Else Objects"

"Pretty cool, ain't it?" Mick asks proudly. 

"This. Is. _Awesome_!" Iris exclaims. "I love it!"

" _So_ cool!" Barry chimes in, beaming. 

Len just nudges Mick approvingly with his shoulder. "Good one, partner."

Mick smirks. "Second I found out what it did, I came here," he says. "I knew you guys would appreciate it _properly_. Unlike the Legends."

"Oh?" Len drawls, his eyes narrowing. He's still a touch sore about the Legends stealing away his partner for a few months out of every year for missions, but he's agreed to accept it since it makes Mick happy. But if they've started not appreciating him properly again...

"Nah, nothing bad, don't start plotting revenge just yet. They just wanted me to give it back."

"I thought they'd loosened up about the whole stealing thing," Iris says. 

"Me, too," Mick says with a shrug. "Dunno why they were so anxious about it - I checked the timeline, and no one was using it. As long as I get it back sometime that decade, no timeline impact. So it should be fine!"

"I can't believe they wanted you to give it back before we even had a chance to give it a test run," Barry says, reaching out and running his hand along the side of the bright green spaceship that Mick had produced seemingly out of nowhere. "Can we fly higher?"

"I can take you to the Moon if you like," Mick says proudly. "The thing's intergalactic."

"Do you gotta wear the new outfit to use it?" Len asks, gesturing at Mick. "Bright green ain't really anybody's color. Maybe Iris’. But definitely not you."

"No, I agree. Ain't my color at all. But I think the outfit’s part-and-parcel with the whole thing," Mick says, looking down at himself ruefully as he guides his friends through the air in the glowing-green replica of his old spacetime-ship that is emanating out of the green ring he'd found. He hadn't yet come up with anything it couldn't project if he just thought about it hard enough and really wanted it to work, and if there was one thing Mick Rory didn't lack, it was strength of will. "Whatever, though. Worth it for the cool stuff."

"No kidding," Iris gushes. "We can _finally_ do a really good alien abduction scene with this!"

"Or a proper spaceship one without the Legends butting in at awkward moments," Len agrees. “The way they invariably do even when they’re _supposed_ to be out on mission.”

"Where'd this ring even come from?" Barry wants to know. "And how many things can you make from it?"

"Basically anything, s'long as it's green. Least that's what the space cop that tried to nick me said, what little I heard, anyway. I wasn’t really listening."

"Awesome!"

Suddenly, there's a sharp rapping - knocking, really - on the outside of the spaceship. 

"Not the Legends," Iris says. "Please don't be the Legends. We haven't even gotten to the sex yet!"

"Uh, Mick?" Ray's voice comes through the hull. He sounds apologetic. 

All four of them sigh. 

"Could you maybe land the ship? We - that is, Sara - well, also - okay, it's a bit complicated. _Someone_ needs to talk to you. Urgently."

"Do we have to?" Iris mutters under her breath.

"We should," Barry says reluctantly.

"What do you say, Mick?" Len asks. "Stop or run?"

"He'll be intolerable if I run," Mick grumbles. "I'll land. Hopefully it'll be quick and we can get back to whatever roleplay you've decide on."

When they land, the green plane disappearing into Mick's ring once more, Sara is waiting, her arms crossed and her expression pinched, and there's someone in the same bright green outfit that Mick's currently in standing next to her.

"Seriously?" Sara demands. " _Seriously_?!"

“Hypocrite,” Iris coughs into her hand. 

"Listen, you can't escape your destiny by running away from it," the guy says earnestly to Mick. "Trust me, I've tried. It's a lot to take in, I know -"

"He didn't run away," Sara says, glaring at the lot of them. "He ran _towards_."

"...sorry, what?"

"I don't actually want your ring," Mick explains. "I just wanna use it to let my friends act out their weird sexy roleplay thing. I'll put it back after."

"...sexy roleplay?" the guy in green says, his voice strangled. "You accepted the Green Lantern ring to use it in _sexy roleplays_?!"

"Not _me_ ," Mick corrects. "My _friends_. I'm ace, personally. But otherwise, yeah."

" _Seriously_ , man?"

"That's what I said," Sara says with a sigh.

"I _said_ I'll give it back after," Mick says. "I promise, you'll barely notice it was missing. Can you lot buzz off now?"

“You’re definitely killing the buzz,” Len agrees.

Mick rolls his eyes.

"It's not - you can't just - the Ring is a _solemn duty_ \- you can't use it as some sort of _sex toy_!"

"Seems like a pretty good sex toy to me," Iris says, "what with the 'take any shape you imagine and will'."

"...well, yes, but -!"

"Anyway, what's the problem with having us borrow it?"

"Having a Green Lantern ring makes you a part of the Green Lantern Corps!" the guy yelps. "You have to help protect the universe, not - not _fuck around_ with it! _Literally_!"

"I keep telling you, _I_ don't do any of the fucking," Mick says irritably. “I just make sure things work out, that’s all.”

“Everyone in the Corps is laughing at me right now,” the guy groans. “We’re giving humans _such_ a bad reputation.”

"Hold up," Len says. "Mick, I thought you said space cop here was trying to _nick_ you for stealing the ring thing."

"Yeah?"

"Sounds to me more like he's trying to _recruit_ you."

Mick looks horrified. "Become a _pig_? Fuck no!" He starts trying to tug the ring off his finger. "Being a Legend's bad enough as is!"

"You can't just reject the ring now!" the guy exclaims. "If you do it in this time period instead of its original era, it'll go to the next person with the strongest willpower no matter where they are -"

Mick gets the ring off - his green costume disappearing and being replaced by his usual outfit - and flings it aside.

It hovers in mid-air, glowing softly green.

It drifts hopefully over towards Len. 

"Not a chance in hell," Len tells it. "The fact that I'm about 90% of Mick's self-restraint doesn't actually make us one person. Nice try."

The ring dips in a manner that suggests a sigh, then abruptly zooms very quickly up into the air -

"Great. Now we'll never find it," the guy in green moans.

\- and then straight back down to slip itself onto Iris' finger.

"Uh," Iris says. "I'm really flattered and all, but that ring finger's kinda already being used by my wedding ring..." 

"You know," Barry says dreamily, "the skin-tight black-and-green uniform you've got on now looks really good on you."

"And you know I'm always up for some space-cop-and-robbers," Len agrees, his eyes equally avid.

"You've _got_ to be kidding me," the guy says, putting his head into his hands.

"Oh, _believe_ it," Sara says. "They're _always_ like that."

"The universe is _doomed_."


End file.
